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Posted by CrazySugarFreakBoy! on July 29, 2001 at 13:19:42:
Presenting the Lair Legion of Super-Pets!
Cheryl the Owl hooted her query
patiently. "So, you spoke to Anna Kensington, the girl from Icarus Innovations,
and she told you that every superhero on Earth seems to have been temporarily
de-evolved into animal form, because they decided to run some experiments on
CrazySugarFreakBoy's! samples of Impossibilityium?"
Visionary the Ferret scurried about nervously as he spoke, twitching at every
sound in the vicinity. "Ah! Yeah, well, she says we shouldn't worry, since this
should apparently only be a temporary side-effect. From what she said, I guess
that Impossibilityium kind of doesn't like to be studied, which sort of makes
sense, when you consider that it's not supposed to be able to exist in the first
place. So, whenever anyone attempts to analyze it, it'll do just about anything
to distract or prevent the researchers from carrying out their studies, but none
of the reality-warping consequences have been permanent. Not yet, anyway."
Fleabot, who now bore a striking resemblance to Niles Crane from Frasier,
smirked sarcastically. "In short, Ms. Kensington told the weasel here that we
shouldn't worry, because these reality-altering side-effects rarely last longer
than a day or so. And I'm SURE that Visionary, being the great organizer that he
is, can manage to keep the entire world population of superheroes in check, now
that they've been reduced to an even lower level of evolution."
Asil the Chameleon's color turned bright red, and she hissed with
displeasure. "Of course he can! Visionary is a great man, even if he is a weasel
now! He will save us!"
Visionary simply groaned.
Having just retrieved some cheese from the kitchen refrigerator, Hatmouse now
squeaked in fear, as Sorceress Kitty pounced on him, trapping his tail with her
paw. "Please, Whit - don't eat me!"
Sorceress Kitty purred with laughter, and licked Hatmouse's fuzzy cheek. "Oh,
Jay - you are my boyfriend. I would never eat you, no matter how yummy you
taste! Besides, I much prefer it when it's the other way around ..."
On the front lawn of the mansion, CrazySugarFreakPuppy! chased the Cobra
cheerfully, wagging his tail. "I wanna play, Chrissie! Can we play fetch the
stick, or catch the ball? Please?"
The Cobra hissed, snapping after the now-retreating CrazySugarFreakPuppy!
with her poisonous fangs. "I know! Let's play MY favorite game - bite the
annoying doggy!"
Under the luminous glow of the reception area's internally lit aquarium,
Goldeneyed Goldfish was speeding away from Exile the Piranha, as his carnivorous
cousin chomped his jaws in pursuit, giggling with glee, until Valeria the
Angelfish swam in between them, fixing her boyfriend with a harsh stare.
As Exile apologized to Valeria for being mean, Goldeneyed floated up to the
surface, where Lisette the Swan was paddling with her webbed feet, grooming her
feathers with her bill, and the two traded a brief kiss where the air met the
water.
Behind the closed doors of the meeting room, Fin Fang Frog sat at his place
on top of the team's table, trying to ignore the Dark Chipmunk as he chittered
about telepathic drug overlord squirrels were behind their current plight, and
croaked orders to the others in the room. "How are those modifications to our
equipment coming, Enty?"
NTurtleU-150 paused, in the midst of welding new weaponry to his shell, and
very slowly responded. "Well, since Amy Racecar is now Amy Racehorse, the Icarus
people are helping her adjust everything so that it can be operated without
opposable thumbs, like they did with my toolkit. Hopefully, the makeshift
reconfigurations won't have to last too long, since the folks at Icarus were
fairly certain that we would revert to human form after a day or so."
The Messenger Pigeon chirped his thoughts about that rather indignantly,
flapping his wings in exasperation so much that he nearly became airborne right
there. "Um, excuse me? In case you're forgotten, not all of us are high-tech
heroes. What exactly am I supposed to do, now that striking fear into the hearts
of the criminal element is no longer an option?"
Zebulon the Ant, who was fine-tuning some of Enty's circuitry work on the
tortoise's battle-armored shell, tried to offer some comfort by saying the first
thing that came to mind, and instantly regretted it. "Maybe you could pretend
they're statues, and ... you know, dive-bomb 'em?"
Seated on the couch in the living room, Donar Bear growled out a yawn and
scratched his furry back with Mjalcolm, as Troia the Tigress nuzzled against him
on his left side, and Lisa the Lioness burrowed into his right side. Christopher
the Lion Cub continued to feed from his mommy, even as a de-evolved feline, and
was perhaps the least thrown of anyone by these sudden changes. Lisa purred and
licked Christopher's fuzzy head, as Christopher blinked his wide cat's eyes and
made tiny growly noises while feeding.
In the other corner of the den, far away from the comfortable couch and the
TV remote control that Donar's heavy paw guarded ferociously, MuttMutt whined to
Nats the Duck. "All I wanted was to maybe take her out on a date tonight - you
know, maybe knock over some garbage cans, bury some bones, play a few games of
frisbee - but as soon as old Smokey there decides he wants to match Xena, we
start fighting like cats and dogs ..."
Nats quacked out a sullen reply. "At least people can understand what the
heck you're saying. Every time I open my mouth, I feel like I'm listening to
Donald or Daffy. My career options as a comic book superhero are pretty much
nil, outside of maybe a Steve Gerber-written mini. And to top it all off, I got
tasked with cleanup detail, after Space Gibbon started shrieking at the top of
his lungs and throwing his own feces at everyone, claiming that we're all just
characters out of one of his alternate Parodyverse stories, inspired by Captain
Carrot and his Zoo Crew. So, my sympathies are marginal."
On the shelves of the pantry, as DarkHwk Hawk flew up to retrieve the canned
vegetables for Yo Bunny's planned salad meal, the genderless pure thought bunny
was struggling to prevent Spider Ziles from devouring Flapjack Fly. "Yo Bunny is
to be thinking that cute spider woman Ziles should not to be eating of uncute
annoying Flapjack pervert."
Spider Ziles pouted her vaguely anthropomorphic facial features, which were
oddly reminiscent of Sigourney Weaver's character in James & the Giant
Peach, and clicked her mandibles together. "He deserves it. That's the FIFTH
time I've caught him 'accidentally' rubbing himself against the contents of my
underwear drawer."
Flapjack Fly struggled against the webbing he was bound in, as Spider Ziles
crept ever closer. "I'll never do it again! I promise! Somebody, please, help
me! HELP MEEEEEE ..."
Sir Mumphrey Walrus harrumphed as he waddled into the room, sliding his
portly form across the tile floor with his flippers as he twitched his brushy
whiskers. "Now, now, m'dear. A cad and a bounder this snivelin' rascal may well
be, it still doesn't give you leave to take leave of your senses. Simply because
we've been turned into animals physically doesn't grant us the permission to
surrender to our animal impulses, don'tcha know. Wouldn't be appropriate."
As Sir Mumphrey eventually persuaded Ziles to show Flapjack the proper
measure of mercy, Meggan Foxxx twitched her vixen's tail under the nose of Dan
Drury, Badger Agent of S.P.U.D. "Hey there, darlin'. Seein' as how ol' Mumph
there was talkin' 'bout satisfyin' our 'animal impulses', what say you an' me
head on out back through the doggy door, and make a li'l jungle love of our
own?"
All the while, De Grey Streak tore off across the landscape, trying for the
life of him to recall exactly what he was running for in the first place, as
well as attempting to figure out how and why he'd been transformed from a
speedster superhero into a greyhound racing dog.
The next day, after all of the heroes on Earth had apparently been reverted
back into their human forms, Hatman noticed CrazySugarFreakBoy! rubbing his
neck. "What happened to you, Dream? I can understand why Rocket Raccoon was
acting all sore this morning, since him and Fleabot went out with Knifey to the
singles' bars last night, while they were all still human, but it's not like you
had any big parties to go to."
CrazySugarFreakBoy! grinned broadly. "Let's just say I had a residual touch
of animal instincts. I fell asleep last night in Cobra's coils, so when I woke
up this morning, even though we'd both been changed back to human form, I ...
um, well, kinda sniffed her crotch. So, she bit me."
HALLIE chimed in from a nearby computer screen. "You want my opinion, she let
you off easy. Anyway, thank goodness THAT madness is over and done with."
As she spoke those words, Space Ghost the Gibbon swung into the room on a
vine that was inexplicably hanging from the ceiling, and shrieked at the top of
his lungs, "Ah, yes, all over now - OR IS IT?!?!?!
AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGHHH!!!!!!"
And then he started throwing his feces at everyone again.
The End?